All Things Are Difficult Before They Are Easy

Clara and I had lunch this week with a few friends from work, her first business lunch. She snoozed and snuggled and was so good while we enjoyed those delicious Jimmy Johns sandwiches.

My only employee, and
the only one you need,
Kim.

As we visited, my impending return to work became a little bit too real. The dramas and fascination of compliance that used to fuel my days became this looming dark cloud, just 4 weeks away at this point. Soon, I won't get to spend my days staring at Clara's beautiful face, kissing her until she squirms, tickling her chubby thighs, and making bows to match every outfit. There is no one I trust more on the planet than my husband Todd, but how many days will it take until I am not panicked when leaving them, thinking of them all day, jealous and worried and distracted?

Me, Serenie, my back up
and Clara

I have been so lucky in this job, they have given me 14 weeks (plus more, if I decide to take more) of mostly 100% paid maternity leave. And the health insurance that cost me so much more than my previous job, and used to have me complaining weekly, has paid out in spades. We have started to receive the itemized bills for delivery, Clara's surgery and subsequent hospital stays, and our frequent visits to the PCMC emergency room and rapid treatment unit. Todd can't even look at them, even knowing they are paid, because they are so scary! I can't express the relief upon seeing the "Balance Due: $0." Especially when seeing the totals on the charges. It cost about $3000 just to move Clara from the University of Utah to Primary Children's, to physically push her in a plastic bed down a few halls and across a bridge!

Yes, that says $138,454.23
This is just one of the
statements we've seen.

Don't get me wrong, those Life Flight workers and every employee we met in each hospital has been worth that and more. I just can't fathom what we would do without this coverage, and my heart aches for those in tougher positions. I cannot imagine balancing delivering a baby, dealing with heart surgery and complications, managing family and friends and a home life AND immense financial pressure. 

I used to live to work. And in a few weeks, I'll go back cheerfully, knowing it is for my family and even for me and my satisfaction. But now I know my esteem and worth will be measured by more than just what I do in that overly-heated office. My value lies in loving Todd and Clara and even Gir :) My success will be helping this sweet, special girl through challenges and joys and all the things ahead of us. I hate that I will be gone so many hours and days, but I am blessed to have these days and the ones ahead. And I will make it to every important event that I can, even the capoeira exhibitions her dad has planned. She will know that she comes first in my heart.

I know I won't be there for a lot of Clara's other firsts. So I treasure a new first tonight-she has finally managed to do something she has been working on for weeks. Our proudest moment today, Clara sucking her thumb: