How to Bond with Your Baby-Long Distance and In Front of a Crowd

And suddenly, you wake up one day and you are a parent...and you can't move your legs still and you're chained to about 6 IV lines and other equipment and you haven't showered for 3 days and you met your baby for just 10 minutes and now she is in an entirely different building. I was so grateful that Clara had arrived safely, and I wanted to badly to jump out of bed and go start being her mom!
My first attempt was not so successful. My right leg was a bit wobbly, but my left leg seemed pretty numb still from the epidural. The nurse helped me up to go to the loo, and as I was just about there, my leg gave out and I fell (Fall Risk bracelet was my curse!) Poor nurse Kim, she was upset about this for days, I was the first patient that had ever fallen on her watch and she could not stop worrying. I was fine, and once I got back to my bed, we determined that I wouldn't be able to try standing again that day and would be confined to my bed and a wheelchair.

Despite great swaddling by the
nurses, Clara managed to free an
arm! She has been trying to get
that breathing tube out every time and
that's the first place her little hand
goes.

After he visited Clara first thing in the morning, I had convinced Todd to run home and shower and relax for a few minutes before the next few days got crazy again, but my mom came up to visit while he was gone. She went to Primary to check on Clara for me, and brought back some beautiful pictures. When Todd returned, he help me in to the wheelchair and we finally got to go see Clara together! We arrived at the CICU and kicked out all other people so we could have a few minutes as a family. I was stuck in the wheelchair and couldn't really get a good view up to her bed, but I got to touch her little hands and cheeks, and we talked about how much we loved her and hated that she had to go through this. I'm so glad that she will not have to remember these days, because it is so upsetting to think of her spending her first few weeks of life in a bed by herself, going through so much pain and fighting to hard to just survive. It isn't supposed to be like this.
We spent the afternoon showing her off to various family members and talking to nurses and doctors. They were tentatively planning to do surgery Friday morning but wouldn't confirm yet.

A scar-free chest just doesn't have
enough character for our little one!

Thursday morning, I finally made some progress and was able to stand up and kind of walk on my own! I got to shower for the first time since Sunday and I was so excited to be getting closer to being able to really see my baby again. I was stuck in my room a lot because, due to a fever Tuesday night, I was on IV antibiotics regularly as well as a variety of other tests and such to keep me healthy. When possible, I escaped to go see Clara, but it was not enough. Being a first time parent is daunting and scary enough, but when you can't hold your baby, have no time with her that is not supervised by at least a nurse, and you have to ask if it's ok to touch her or if her blood pressure is too high, it's really hard to feel like a mom. I love that the nurses and doctors have taken such great care of her, and they genuinely care about her and are so sweet, I'm still the mom and I'm jealous and sad that there is this distance between us. I love and hate this situation so much.

We got confirmation that her surgery would be Friday morning, and met with anesthesiologists and doctors and her surgeon and signed a billion release forms. We also had a few friends and more family come visit our special little girl, it was a busy day!
Finally, on Thursday afternoon, they moved Clara to a quieter room and got a doctor's order approved to let me hold her for a few minutes. It takes a nurse and respiratory specialist to safely move her in to my arms, and she was oh so fussy from the movement and new circumstances. I wanted to hold her against me and snuggle and kiss her face to make her feel better, but I had to be careful not to jostle her IVs and such. But oh, how I cried and loved her so much, instantly!
That night, we were able to have my brother, Todd's brother, and my brother in law come give her a blessing prior to her surgery. We were exhausted by all the activity that day, and finally settled in to rest late that night. Our next giant hurdle was awaiting us first thing in the morning.