Recovering

Saturday morning, the world was bright again, and I was ready for anything. As soon as Todd got in, we went to see Clara and talked to the ICU doctor a bit. She immediately relieved my concerns-The odds were that Clara still had some thymus tissue in other parts of her body, as is common, that would produce t-cells. Those, combined with us being very careful about germs and not exposing her to a huge variety of environments while she was young, meant a very good chance at keeping her healthy, and on this planet for a long time.

Clara in her full body armor including
chest cover, eye shield and a
billion tubes.

Clara was pretty feisty again, clearly uncomfortable, but the nurses and unit doctor advised us she was doing well and that her chest would be closed Sunday morning.
I was also discharged from the hospital and finally headed home-to soft beds, soft chairs, and so far away from our baby. I was so torn and spent the evening trying to recover and feeling guilty for leaving Clara. I was angry that I didn't feel physically better already, that I couldn't find the energy to spend more time with her while she was working so hard to find the energy to recover. What kind of  mother just leaves their 4 day old baby that just had open heart surgery so she can go home and SLEEP? It felt so selfish, no matter how many times my husband, mother, nurses, etc. reassured me that I had to rest and recover.
We had been told her chest would be closed Sunday at 8:00 AM. They would do it bed-side, and told us to come up around 9:30 or 10:00 as she would be done and ready for us at that time. We arrived at 10:00  and the surgeon and crew were still in her room, the nurse advised us it would be about another 30 minutes, and Dr. Burch would come find us when he finished. We moved to the waiting room and counted the minutes. It was quiet that Sunday morning, except for someone a few chairs away. She was on her phone complaining loudly to one family member about some other family member. It was the kind of conversation I would never have noticed except that it somehow felt wrong, after the last week of my life, to think there was any family that wasn't as strong and supportive as my own. How  could people go through challenges like sick kids without the love and steady guidance of their mom? I was reminded of how lucky I was.
And then it had been 30, 38, 46, 55 minutes. I was texting my mom, going crazy, absolutely terrified that we were now well over an hour longer than I was first told. I was assuming the worst and could not hold back the tears. Why wasn't the doctor coming out to tell us it was done?

Post chest closure. Her arms had to be
pinned down to stop her from
trying to extubate herself.

The phone in the waiting room rang. Another lady in the room answered and called out for the family of Clara. Todd took the receiver, and after just a sentence or two, I could see the relief on his face and he gave me a smile and thumbs up. The doctor had been called to an emergency just as they finished Clara, but all had gone well and we could come see our baby girl!
She was already looking more calm and relaxed, and it was great to see her keep progressing every single day.
Before her anesthesia wore off, the staff also placed an NJ (feeding) tube that went from Clara's nose down to her small intestines. This could now be used to feed her and she would finally get my breast milk. It felt good to finally have something to contribute to her healing process beyond a few pats on her arms and head. I still had not really held my baby girl and was feeling so lost, but this was a step in the right direction.

We also had Grandpa and Grandma Wallace up to visit late that night. My dad had had to leave town the morning after Clara was born and only got to see her very briefly in her transport from the University of Utah to Primary Children's. A few days late, but he finally got to meet this amazing little girl!